One day in the spring of 2024, after work, I boarded the busy SkyTrain as usual to head home. As the train approached the station near my home, an announcement suddenly came over the speakers: due to a medical incident, the station was closed and passengers would need to transfer to a bus to continue their journey.
My heart sank. It was not because I would arrive home later than usual, but because I knew another suicide had likely occurred. This was not a sensitive guess. I know that SkyTrain suicides are rarely announced directly, partly to prevent others from imitating such acts.
About ten years earlier, on a morning at that very same platform, I too had stood there in deep inner turmoil, almost making the same decision.
I had wandered in a foreign land for twenty years and gone through countless hardships. I was once hospitalized due to severe depression. Thankfully, today I have finally walked through those difficult years and found a measure of inner peace.
# Arrival in Canada
In the spring of 2004, I immigrated to Canada and arrived in Vancouver.
Spring in Vancouver is filled with cherry blossoms blooming along the streets. On summer evenings, colorful clouds stretch across the sky over the ocean, shimmering on the water. At the time, I felt that heaven must look something like this.
Soon after arriving, a friend introduced me to a job at a laundry factory where I sorted clothing. At the same time, I began searching for a computer job related to my professional background.
In Vancouver, having local education or training makes it easier to find professional work. I was persuaded by a private school that promised government funding would cover most of the tuition. Trusting their words, I signed the application forms to apply for funding from StudentAidBC.
However, after receiving the subsidy, I was later told that I was actually not eligible and had to repay it. Because of this situation, I lost about 70% of the savings I had brought with me to start my new life. The school that misled students eventually got into trouble as well.
That winter was my first rainy season in Vancouver. The cold, endless rain seemed to mirror my mood at the time. Still, I held hope for my life in Canada and dreamed of a better future.
# My First Programming Job
In my second year in Canada, I finally found a job as a computer programmer.
It was a small company that provided workflow management software for a medium-sized social service organization. Our development team had three programmers. The client organization assigned two managers who divided tasks daily, often supervising our work closely.
The workload was heavy, but since this was my first professional job in Canada, I worked extremely hard.
In my second year there, I was promoted to technical team lead among the three programmers, responsible for technical planning and task coordination. Even with this role, I still had my own programming tasks every day.
My workload remained intense. I rarely had even half a day of free time.
During the six years working on that project, I studied new technologies almost every night until two in the morning, then woke up again at seven to go to work. The prolonged mental strain and lack of sleep gradually triggered warning signs in my mental health—insomnia, anxiety, and recurring episodes of deep sadness.
# The Betrayal
Working hard was something I could endure. The real suffering began when I hired a “friend.”
He was my neighbor and also a programmer. When a colleague suddenly left the company, I hurriedly recruited him to join the team. In truth, I did not know him well.
Soon after he started, I noticed problems. He was stubborn and difficult to communicate with. But since he had already resigned from his previous job, I hesitated to dismiss him. That was my first mistake.
My second mistake was focusing all my energy on developing a new system while leaving system maintenance and support tasks entirely to him.
Two months later, he had already built strong trust with the client. I had missed the opportunity to let him go.
From then on, things escalated. He rejected my technical plans, criticized them openly, and implemented his own solutions instead. When I tried to discuss the situation with him, he told me he would defend his own technical approach to the end.
Although I was still the technical lead, I gradually found myself sidelined. Eventually, I was not even invited to technical weekly meetings.
At that time I was completely exhausted—physically and emotionally. Being betrayed by someone I considered both a neighbor and a friend deeply wounded me. My mood sank into darkness.
Because of my deteriorating mental state, my work efficiency declined. The boss and client who once valued me gradually began distancing themselves.
# The Darkest Moment
When I went back to work at that social service organization later on, my heart already felt shattered. I had lost trust in people and my longing for life’s beauty.
One morning, as I stood at the station near my home waiting for the SkyTrain to go to work, I looked at the busy crowd rushing around me.
Suddenly, overwhelming sadness filled my heart.
Tears of despair streamed down my face.
I thought about jumping onto the tracks and ending everything. But at the same time, I worried about my wife and child being left without care.
Inside, I was suffering intensely. Yet the people around me walked past in a hurry, unaware of the silent battle in my heart.
# Hospitalization and Treatment
Because my insomnia had become severe and I could no longer continue working, I went to the hospital.
When the hospital learned that I had serious suicidal thoughts, they admitted me for treatment.
Medication was an important part of my recovery. It helped restore my physiological balance and ease the symptoms of depression, allowing me to participate more effectively in therapy.
After about two weeks in the hospital, my symptoms improved enough for me to be discharged. I then continued treatment with a daytime mental health recovery program.
# Walking Through the Tunnel
When trapped in the long tunnel of depression, every day feels covered by dark clouds. Everything becomes heavy and hopeless.
The path of treatment and recovery was long and difficult.
But slowly, I began facing my inner pain instead of avoiding it.
Psychologists helped me learn to speak with my inner self. I gradually learned to accept the conflicts and suffering deep within me. Step by step, I began to see faint light ahead.
Medication and psychotherapy worked together. Through cognitive behavioral therapy, the hospital helped me recognize and gradually change negative thinking patterns.
Little by little, I regained the courage to step out of pain. I also began rediscovering small joys in life.
# Sharing My Story
I share my story of recovery to offer a small light to those who are still struggling in darkness.
If you are living in the shadow of depression right now, I want to tell you this:
Do not give up hope.
Seek professional help. Face the struggles within your heart with courage.
You do not need to walk this difficult road alone. There are many people willing to walk beside you and support you.
The path to recovery may be hard, but every step brings you closer to understanding yourself and embracing the world again.
If you are reading this while experiencing pain, please allow your soul to receive a hug from my soul.
# A New Beginning
Recovery is not the arrival at a final destination.
It is the beginning of a new journey.
I have learned to search for meaning and purpose in life.
Today, I am grateful for every step of my recovery process, and I try to enjoy every day under the sunlight.
# The Incident
Later, by reading discussions on Reddit, I confirmed that the suicide I suspected at the beginning had indeed occurred.
A passenger waiting at the platform witnessed a young man wearing a white athletic hoodie suddenly and silently jump in front of the incoming train. He was instantly pulled beneath the wheels.
The following is a short poem I wrote for this lost life.
# A Poem for the Departed
Today I took the SkyTrain home, busy as always.
Yet the station near my home could not stop.
The announcement said there had been a medical incident.
In truth, a life had ended.
Life is a journey and a passage,
where we learn and grow.
May his soul complete its destined journey
and enter the next experience and transformation.
At the moment his life ended, he passed just beside me.
Please accept my care and blessing for your next life:
“May your soul receive
the sincere embrace of my soul,
an embrace from the infinite heart
of love and compassion in the universe.”
Beneath this vast starry sky,
your soul and mine exist forever.
You, I, we, and they,
together form the oneness of this world.